Guides / The 36 questions that lead to love
The 36 questions that lead to love
The famous list, in full, in the three sets it was designed to be asked in. Plus why the same closeness that works between two people works just as well between you and the family you already love.
In 1997 the psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published a study with a quietly remarkable finding: two strangers could be brought to a striking degree of closeness in under an hour, simply by taking turns to answer a set of questions that grew steadily more personal. The questions were later made famous by a widely read newspaper essay, and they have been used ever since by couples, by new friends, and by anyone who wants to move past small talk into something real.
What makes them work is not clever wording. It is the structure: two people being open with each other, in turn, a little more with each question, each one heard by the other. That mutual, deepening honesty is what builds a bond, and it is why the very same approach draws the people we already love closer too, as we come to at the end. Here is the full list, in the three sets it was designed to be asked in. Take your time, and answer out loud.
Set I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a perfect day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and keep either the mind or the body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and the person you are asking appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your life story in as much detail as you can.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Take the questions with you
Enter your name and email and we will send you the printable keepsake: the ten most important questions in a beautiful format you can print and keep.
Set II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why have you not done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Take turns sharing something you consider a positive quality in the other person.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
- Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
- Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
- If you were going to become a close friend, please share what would be important for the other person to know.
- Tell the other person what you like about them; be honest, saying things you might not say to someone you have only just met.
- Share an embarrassing moment from your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell the other person something you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no chance to speak to anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why have you not told them yet?
- Your home, with everything you own inside it, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time for one last dash to save a single object. What would it be, and why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask for advice on how the other person might handle it. Then ask them to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about it.
The questions do not create love. They create the openness in which it can be seen.
Why the same idea works with the family you already love
Read back over the questions and you will notice how many of them are really about a life: the treasured memory, the greatest accomplishment, the thing dreamed of and never done, the way a childhood felt. We ask them of a new partner to close the distance between two people who do not yet know each other. But there is a stranger closer to home than we admit: the parent or grandparent whose whole life before us we have somehow never asked about.
The same structure that brings two people together will draw out a mother, a father, a grandparent, one honest question at a time. If this list has warmed you up, turn it toward them. We have gathered the family versions here: questions to ask your parents, questions to ask your grandparents, your mum and your dad. And if you would rather have a long, unhurried conversation with someone, our life story prompts are built for exactly that.
Keep the answers, not just the evening
The one sadness with a conversation this good is that it ends, and the words go with it. This is why we built HeartTold. One of our friendly, patient agents calls your parent or grandparent each week and asks questions like these, gently and at their pace, and every answer is kept in their own voice in one private family archive that grows a little each time. There is no app for them to learn, just a phone call they come to look forward to. Everything is private, and never used to train AI models. You can watch a short demo, start one for your own family, or give HeartTold as a gift to the person whose story you want to keep.
Keep their stories, in their own voice
HeartTold turns a weekly phone call into a living family memory vault: their voice, their memories, their photos, kept for the people who love them.
Common questions
What are the 36 questions that lead to love?
They are a set of 36 questions, arranged in three increasingly personal groups, from a 1997 study by the psychologist Arthur Aron. Two people take turns answering them out loud, and the growing openness builds closeness between them. The full list is on this page.
Do the 36 questions actually work?
The questions were designed to create closeness quickly by having two people share more and more of themselves in a structured, mutual way. What does the work is not magic wording but the act of answering honestly and being heard. The same principle is why asking your own parents or grandparents these kinds of questions brings you closer to them too.
Can I use these questions with family, not just a partner?
Yes, and it is one of the best things you can do with them. Deep, open questions draw out the stories and feelings we rarely say out loud, whoever we ask. Further down this page you will find how to turn the same idea toward a parent or grandparent, so their answers are kept in their own voice rather than lost.
Our Call Agents are trained AI models, and we have been using them with our own families. Friendly, patient, and private: your family's stories are never used to train other AI models.